As promised, here is Part 2: my thoughts on my kids’ schooling! By the way, if you’re interested in this topic and you haven’t yet read all of the comments on Part 1, you should take a look. My mom weighed in with her perspective, and we touched on a lot of what I wanted to cover in this post.
It’s interesting, being a momma and thinking about the best path for my kids’ education. Although I am passionate about unschooling and hope that my children decide to shape their own education at some point, I am not certain that I want to have my kids at home right from the beginning. I feel this way for a couple of different reasons. Here they are:
-I am really glad that I experienced both the public school setting and the Montessori setting before I started unschooling. It gave me a base of experience to understand what the rest of the world was doing and what it was like. Once I started unschooling, I think that experience helped me to relate to my schooling peers in a natural, relaxed way, and I know that it prevented me from taking my unschooling privileges for granted. It made me really want to seize the day!
-As a homeschooler/unschooler, I met a lot of kids who had homeschooled/unschooled for their whole lives who were not very good at socializing, making friends, or having conversations. I think that they just hadn’t had much practice relating to people their own age aside from siblings. I could see these kids really struggling with loneliness and awkwardness. I want Orrin (and his sib(s)) to learn how to navigate social situations without me as a fallback!
-I don’t have any model of unschooling for younger kids. As I mentioned in Part 1, when I began unschooling, I already had a solid foundation in reading, writing, and mathematics. A few of the lifelong unschoolers I met as a teen had learned to read and write a lot later in life than their schooling counterparts (the ones I have in mind learned around age twelve or thirteen), and they experienced a great deal of shame when their illiteracy was revealed in the world outside their homes. These kids’ parents had good intentions -- they believed in the unschooly philosophy of not forcing kids to learn what they’re not interested in learning -- but I think they did their kids a real disservice. Who would wish shame and humiliation on their child? Those feelings have a way of sticking -- long after the cause has been cured.
I don’t mean to imply that every lifelong unschooler/homeschooler is socially awkward or illiterate -- that is certainly not true. I guess that the root of what I am trying to get at is that I think that it’s important for kids to get some hands-on, in-depth experience interacting with people outside of their families. As I see it, the most useful aspect of school is that it’s where children first begin to get an inkling that other families are different from theirs, and that other people function differently than their loved ones. The melting pot of school gives kids the opportunity to learn how to successfully deal with all kinds of different people and situations. There’s the useful lesson that school teaches -- not the academic stuff, which can be effectively learned at home!
Of course, every kid is different, and that weighs in heavily on the choice as well. I, for example, was a kid who was very intent on learning the rules. I knew the “right way” to play the game to get the A’s and the gold stars, and I was going to be very good at it. Because of that, my parents pulled me from public school after kindergarten and sent me to Montessori, a place where objective evaluations like A’s and gold stars didn’t exist. That was a really good choice for me (although I still struggle with cravings for outside feedback and evaluation).
This post is by no means an open-and-shut dismissal of homeschooling and unschooling for young children -- just a little exploration of some of my thoughts and feelings about it. I still don’t know what I’m going to do with my own kids’ education. What are your thoughts for your kids? Let’s start a dialogue!
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13 comments:
I'm so interested to hear...where would you think about sending Orrin when he gets to kindergarten age? I'd love to do the Montessori school, but financially it's not there for us. Homeschooling, so far, seems to be our best option w/in our budget (meaning- I want to homeschool for many reasons, but I would also consider some schools for other reasons if it worked financially).
Also, the kids you knew who were kind of socially awkward- were they traditionally homeschooled (just at home w/ mom and dad and siblings?) or did they get involved in classes and groups? I'm trying to get a feel for as many experiences I can at this point.
My family was pretty lucky to be able to barter for my sibs and my Montessori education, and that's how my parents got around the financial obstacle. They run a film and video production business from home, so they created promotional videos for the school.
My first instinct is to find a similar sort of school for Orrin, but we would also need to find a way around the financial obstacle. I've considered getting certified for teaching Montessori or Waldorf -- but going through a grad program in hopes of maybe getting teaching in a local school seems like a long shot!
The socially awkward homeschoolers I knew ... I met them mostly through homeschooling groups and gatherings -- so at least they were doing those! I didn't know any of them well enough to find out if they did anything else outside of home.
I also knew some lifelong homeschoolers who were quite socially adept, and yes, they were generally involved in groups outside of home. One thing that I found to be true of most homeschooled kids was that they were able to interact with adults quite well, but were at a loss when it came to interacting with kids their age who did go to school -- perhaps because of a lack of common experience. Sometimes that's a good thing -- say, when a 13 year-old girl can't relate to girls her age who only want to talk about boys and makeup. What am I trying to say? I'm trying to make a nuanced point without seeming like a jaded snob! I guess I'm trying to say that with rare exception, the lifelong homeschoolers I knew were naive. They had zero guile when it came to dealing with peers. Don't get me wrong -- I think guilelessness is a wonderful quality...most of the time. But sometimes, having the ability to put on a facade for just a short while helps a person get through this world a little bit more easily, you know? Does that make any sense?
I love hearing your thoughts!
I know the Montessori school in Springfield was doing a teacher training thing while you work sort of program a while back. I thought it was tempting.
From Taury:
Okay, unschooling rocks. I followed the same path as Haley going through Montessori school until I entered public school in 5th grade. Then we started unschooling a year-and-a-half later. I was about halfway through 6th grade when we started unschooling. I continued to go in and out of public school for the next two years and then settled into unschooling until I tried a half a year of high school in tenth grade. Our parents were behind me 100% the whole time. Even when I started eighth grade in the town we had just moved to and quit after just one month! I wanted to meet kids my age, but the schools seemed like such a waste of time after I had gotten a taste of what I could be doing. I totally agree with Haley that everyone should be in school before doing homeschooling to really appreciate the freedom that it allows.
As we looked around for homeschooling peers who were of a like-mind, we had some pretty interesting encounters. I remember spending a day with a homeschooling family of children who we could not relate to at all because they had been so sequestered to protect their religious convictions that they were not allowed to listen to the radio!
I can definitely say that I met lifelong-homeschoolers who were, in my adolescent opinion, socially awkward. I wonder what they are like now that they are older and (supposedly) out in the world. We are all awkward at some point in our life whether or not we are homeschooled. For some, the awkwardness evolves into something more like individuality. Perhaps awkwardness wears off for everyone, but the question is when. Though I was in and out of public school, I was painfully naïve when I was 15, but still so when I was 20. I was often under the impression that I was running to catch up with everyone. Perhaps that is just how everyone feels, and I just attributed it to homeschooling. When I was in college, I really started to feel like I was figuring out the social game my peers were playing.
Here I am, thinking of homeschooling mostly in terms of a teenager or preteen. The prospect of figuring out how this works for the toddler, preschool, and elementary years sounds daunting. I don’t have children, but I do nanny for a two-year-old girl. I have to say that if I was a parent I would be desperately excited to get my kid(s) out there into preschool or kindergarden…because I wanted them to be able to socialize on their own. Yes. But also because I wanted them to fly the nest and give me some space. I think some parents forget that, just as important as it is for your child to be an individual person, you’ve got to be an individual too. Talking about homeschooling young kids sounds damn hard. At what point does that child get to set out on their own? I define my homeschooling experience by the extent of freedom I had. But, when I think of homeschooling young children who have spent their first two or three years with mom or dad and will continue to for several more years, and it seems like the opposite of the freedom we experienced.
I see a lot of value in the initially scary process of getting immersed in a big bunch of kids you don’t know and figuring out how to be with them and how you are going to start establishing your identity when your parents are no longer their. We’ve all got to do it at some point in our lives. And we are incredibly fast learners when we are children for a reason: because we are figuring out everything at the same time – language, empathy, socializing…
This is a bit of a ramble, and my point is vague, so I will try to sum up. I think homeschooling is a wonderful powerful thing, but it is powerful in positive and negative ways. The big driving question for me when I critique homeschooling practices is: how do we socialize? And, in my opinion, that is a HUGE question. How do kids get the exposure they need to learn to interact with more then just their parents and siblings? God, I have NO idea what decision I would ultimately make on this for my own children. I am going to leave you with that blurb. I am interested to see what all you mothers out their decide to do…
It's interesting, Taury, that you talk about how we all meet awkward people whether we are homeschooled or unschooled or schooled. I think it's easy to take something like homeschooling (or any minority group) and make general assumptions based on a few people. I was schooled my entire life, and I knew lots of people who were very conservative Christians (due to my upbringing) and couldn't listen to the radio, etc. I have also known very awkward people (including myself, at times!) in the various school settings I was in (I was in public school and private Catholic and evangelical schools).
I always kind of feel like the schooling to socialize argument is a little weird. If you think socializing as you have to raise your hand to talk and you can't interact with your peers much except maybe at recess (I know- I'm maybe exaggerating), I guess so. But I don't really want my kids to be "socialized" in that way. I want them to have the space and opportunity to have genuine interactions w/ their peers. Public schools just don't allow for that, in my opinion.
Homeschooling small children can be hard, but I haven't gotten that it's the kind of hard that the homeschooling parents I know would want to give up. I seem to know more parents of schooled children who find it to be hard (to work their lives around a school schedule, to deal w/ school systems, etc.). Parenting is hard- there's no question. I guess it's just a matter of what avenue you want to take.
Now I'm rambling. I find it so interesting to hear both of your perspectives and would love to keep hearing more.
I'm supposed to be taking a shower while Chris watches the kids. Bye.
Haley,
About the praise thing...I think that's very interesting, too. It's such an emphasis everywhere- at school, at the dentist, on kids' programs. Do you think if you were unschooled at a younger age you'd be less "programmed" to look for that kind of approval? (that is, if you weren't getting it at home?) I'm programmed for that, too. I was always a people pleaser as a kid, which is part of the reason I was such a "good student" in schools. I think school fostered that in a negative way by encouraging me to please the system so much.
I have to say as a Mom who is homeschooling her young kids (7, 4 and 2), the social part is not an issue. We have many friends we get together with weekly - homeschoolers and not. I truly believe playing is an important part of learning at a young age. I know most schools have taken away playtime even in Kindergarten because they have to spend so much time getting them ready for standardized tests. If you really think about it, how much time do the kids have to socialize in school? Not much at all. My kids are involved in karate, dance, homeschool classes and outings plus just playdates with their friends. IN my experience, we have met more kids of all ages that are well-rounded in all areas than not. Of course you will always find exceptions but you will in any situation.
Plus I think at the young ages, their values are being formed and they are so easily influenced. I know that I for one want to be the one who influences them and monitor their friends that influence them rather than send them off to strangers.
I also think that sitting in a classroom and being inside is just not natural. My kids are able to get out, run around and get fresh air. Even in K and 1st grade the kids are at school from 8-3 and then come home and still have homework. When do they have time to play?
Sorry my comment posted before I was done. I hope I'm not offending you...just giving you another perspective.
Shannon
shannon - i'm with you on all points in mention. we socialize our kids in the same way that you do. (mine are 6, 4 and 13) i personally think they are more outgoing and confident in talking to everyone they come across than many schooled children.
i have to add, though that my step-daughter was in 4th grade when we took her out. she's was socially challenged in school. girls were mean and clicky and she just didn't have friends. now that she has been homeschooling, she's done a complete turn-around. she has a ton of friends and she is very social with people of all ages.
I may have over-emphasized the question of socialization in my post -- that is certainly not the main reason that I would think twice about homeschooling my young kids -- it is simply one consideration, and one that can be gotten around simply enough with a little bit of thought. As I mentioned earlier, I do know lifelong homeschoolers who are quite socially adept. I am not the poster child for social skills these days, either, as new mommyhood has rendered me somewhat brain-addled!
For me, the biggest advantage of starting my unschooling career a little later in life was the motivation it gave me to really dig in and accomplish all of the things that school had been holding me back from. I was able to fully comprehend the meaning of my new freedom. I felt like a racehorse that had just been released at the starting gate! That is a feeling I would like to be able to share with my kids, if possible.
From Lizzy:
Perhaps if I had thought of unschooling earlier in the kids lives, I might have started earlier. But the idea grew on me gradually when I began realizing that I really didn't like summer vacations to end and that Spring Break wasn't ever long enough. The kids weren't unhappy in the school system; in fact they were all rather successful. It just began to seem a wretched waste of our time. And as they got farther along in the system, the stupid homework assignments seemed to be designed for families that didn't have other things to do with their kids.
But with my excellent hindsight, I can see that they were treated to a variety of experiences in education because of my wishy-washy, way-less-than-perfect parenting. I was a mother who didn't miss her kids between 9 and noon by the time each turned three, and they didn't seem to miss me either. They pretty much loved going off to Children's Garden, or First Step, or wherever they had friends waiting for a few hours a day and learning to take turns and raise their hand in a group, and see what other kids ate for snack. And then they loved coming home. You know, you can't miss/appreciate a place if you never leave it.
Anyway, the varied approaches to teaching kids to read and write and get along in a group were mostly a series of adventures for them at a time in their lives when they were open to everything. If we said they should give something a try, then they gave it a try. That they were successful in all those changing environments, did give them a sense of mastery, I think. In other words, we didn't ditch school because anyone was failing or unhappy. It was like a series of fieldtrips into other kinds of lives. And they had lots to report at the ends of each day. Stuff they did without us, words and gestures and activities beyond the walls of our house that they were experts on and we were not. In many ways it made our lives richer for them to be foraging beyond the limits of our own back yard. As totally fascinating as I am, I couldn't have delivered the variety of experiences they ended up having without me.
So, perhaps it's like joining peewee baseball in the summer and learning all the rules of baseball and having a good time, and then in the fall joining a chess club for beginners, learning all the rules and moves and having an equally good time. Another analogy would be having a go at a variety of musical instruments and through that open exploration finding the instrument(s) that best expresses your musical vision and voice.
No one set of experiences is better than any other sets. Permanent harm can't be inflicted if the parent is watchful and responsive. So why not dabble?
I think that since some formal school experience(s) is such a huge part of our common culture, it's not so bad to have a taste of it, because in the long run, none of it matters... public school, Waldorf, homeschool, Montessori, or unschool.
I am not a rigid adherent to any particular educational philosophy. It's all interesting.... and none of it will harm a kid. Some fit certain kids better than others. Every approach has its own limitations built into it. Go with what feels right at the moment, what you can afford, what looks interesting. School this year, unschool next if that's what appeals. Stay open. The kids will be ok. Resilience is designed into them. But now I'm babbling.
Lizzy
Haley-
Isn't it funny how "socially unadept" mommyhood can make you? As much as I try to get together w/ other families, I feel like I hardly ever have a conversation that has a logical beginning and end. (-:
P.S. I love when blog posts start interesting dialogue like this one.
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