Mommy AND Me?

One of the big challenges that I’m wrestling with right now is about figuring out how to be the stay-at-home mother of a 3 month-old without losing myself completely. It’s difficult because Orrin would be perfectly happy (at least in the short term) if I spent all of my days just nursing him, changing his diapers, holding him, and napping with him. Every so often I think to myself, “Okay, I really should be able to put him down long enough to [wash my face & brush my teeth / do dishes / switch laundry / etc.].” But when I try it, most of the time he is screaming within a couple of minutes!

For a while, I thought that babywearing was going to be the answer to everything, and that I would be able to accomplish most tasks with Orrin contentedly observing from a carrier. Unfortunately, none of the carriers I’ve tried have freed up both of my hands the way I want them to, and Orrin doesn’t tolerate being in a carrier unless I’m upright (no bending over the sink or laundry) and constantly moving.

My mom suggests that I plow ahead and do my projects while Orrin watches, even if he is protesting. She says that those moments when babies are left to their own devices are when they learn to entertain themselves. Now, I trust my mother’s parenting advice, and I remember being happily absorbed in my own projects when I was a kid. I definitely want Orrin to be able to entertain himself and not to rely on constant prompting from Solon and I. That’s very important to me. I’m just hoping there’s a way to achieve it that doesn’t involve a lot of crying and screaming. Orrin and I are alone together for such long periods while Solon is on his 24-hour shifts, and it’s a huge drain on my morale when my sweet baby is crying for much of that time!

I have had one victory on this front, which is finally figuring out how Orrin wants to nap. A little over a month ago he seemed to transition from the newborn ability to sleep anywhere, anytime, anyhow…to wanting specific naptime circumstances. It only recently dawned on me that ninety-eight percent of his daytime fussiness is caused by being tired. I wouldn’t have believed it before, but he really only wants to be awake for a little over an hour at a time. I am pleased to say that I was able to help Orrin learn to nap in his crib, without resorting to leaving him to cry there! Yay! So the naps have helped me a bit with the getting-anything-done problem.

BUT! My brain wants more than just to accomplish basic hygiene and domestic tasks! How do I know this? Because I’ve been having nighttime insomnia! Yes folks, even though Orrin wakes to nurse on average 4-5 times a night, I have been consistently stuck staring at the ceiling WHILE HE IS SLEEPING! I’m not sure I can think of anything more frustrating than wanting desperately to sleep but being held hostage to my brain, which is running like a hamster on its wheel.

Of course, of course, of course…motherhood is worth all of this strife. Orrin is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I just know that it wouldn’t be fair to him to have me living my life for him and him alone…So how do I find some balance???