Mommy AND Me?

One of the big challenges that I’m wrestling with right now is about figuring out how to be the stay-at-home mother of a 3 month-old without losing myself completely. It’s difficult because Orrin would be perfectly happy (at least in the short term) if I spent all of my days just nursing him, changing his diapers, holding him, and napping with him. Every so often I think to myself, “Okay, I really should be able to put him down long enough to [wash my face & brush my teeth / do dishes / switch laundry / etc.].” But when I try it, most of the time he is screaming within a couple of minutes!

For a while, I thought that babywearing was going to be the answer to everything, and that I would be able to accomplish most tasks with Orrin contentedly observing from a carrier. Unfortunately, none of the carriers I’ve tried have freed up both of my hands the way I want them to, and Orrin doesn’t tolerate being in a carrier unless I’m upright (no bending over the sink or laundry) and constantly moving.

My mom suggests that I plow ahead and do my projects while Orrin watches, even if he is protesting. She says that those moments when babies are left to their own devices are when they learn to entertain themselves. Now, I trust my mother’s parenting advice, and I remember being happily absorbed in my own projects when I was a kid. I definitely want Orrin to be able to entertain himself and not to rely on constant prompting from Solon and I. That’s very important to me. I’m just hoping there’s a way to achieve it that doesn’t involve a lot of crying and screaming. Orrin and I are alone together for such long periods while Solon is on his 24-hour shifts, and it’s a huge drain on my morale when my sweet baby is crying for much of that time!

I have had one victory on this front, which is finally figuring out how Orrin wants to nap. A little over a month ago he seemed to transition from the newborn ability to sleep anywhere, anytime, anyhow…to wanting specific naptime circumstances. It only recently dawned on me that ninety-eight percent of his daytime fussiness is caused by being tired. I wouldn’t have believed it before, but he really only wants to be awake for a little over an hour at a time. I am pleased to say that I was able to help Orrin learn to nap in his crib, without resorting to leaving him to cry there! Yay! So the naps have helped me a bit with the getting-anything-done problem.

BUT! My brain wants more than just to accomplish basic hygiene and domestic tasks! How do I know this? Because I’ve been having nighttime insomnia! Yes folks, even though Orrin wakes to nurse on average 4-5 times a night, I have been consistently stuck staring at the ceiling WHILE HE IS SLEEPING! I’m not sure I can think of anything more frustrating than wanting desperately to sleep but being held hostage to my brain, which is running like a hamster on its wheel.

Of course, of course, of course…motherhood is worth all of this strife. Orrin is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I just know that it wouldn’t be fair to him to have me living my life for him and him alone…So how do I find some balance???

The First Month

These are some notes I jotted down during Orrin's first month. I had no idea how hard it was going to be -- when I was pregnant, I really didn't spend much time thinking about what things would be like after the birth. I wrote these notes partly so that I could remember for next time -- the next baby!

-I didn’t sleep for the next three days, I was so overtired, and breastfeeding constantly, and stressed about whether I was doing a good enough job of being a mom. The first week was really, really hard, but Lizzie came down to help us out, and Solon didn’t have to go back to the fire dept. until Dec. 4.

-3 days old. Orrin’s first snow! It’s a good one, about 3 inches. Feels very magical.

-Nov. 22. Thanksgiving. Mom, Dad, and Orrin stay at home in the Patch. Lizzie goes to Thanksgiving (held at Aunt Barb’s boyfriend Jim’s house) and brings us back some leftovers.

-Days 3-4-5 were very hard, as my milk came in gradually and Orrin got cranky b/c he was hungry, and was nursing constantly, trying to get fed. Hormones were surging, and my nipples were sore and cracked.

-The midwives instruct me not to go up and down the stairs more than once a day, and not to carry Orrin while walking around. I am basically on bedrest for 2 weeks, with Solon and Lizzie bringing me meals and water. I only get up to go to the bathroom, although I did start cheating a little bit at the end of the first week. These restrictions were really tough. I was not allowed to be alone in the house for the first two weeks, either. All I did was email, watch TV, watch Orrin, and breastfeed.

-2 weeks old. Orrin leaves the Patch for the first time ever. Mom, Dad, and Orrin take a trip in the car to Northampton. Big step!

-Dec. 9, 2007. Orrin’s expected due date! We went out & got a Christmas tree and wreath, and decorated it two days later. It’s our first Christmas in our new house with our new baby. I really wanted to decorate for it, and the house looks very festive. It means so much more with a baby here.

-Dec. 13. Snowstorm. 8 inches in 8 hours. This will be the first white Christmas we’ve had in several years. Our baby boy brought real New England winter back when he came.

-Dec. 16, 2007. Another snowstorm. About 10 inches. The snowbanks are piled high! Anderfellow family Solstice celebration had to be postponed to next weekend. We are sad that Aunt Taury won’t be able to make it next weekend -- she’s going to Maryland with Dave for Christmas.

Orrin turned 4 weeks old yesterday. He is a wonderful, peaceful baby and we love him so much. We are starting to figure out his signals and learning how to get around in the world with him. A few days ago I took my first drive with him without Solon, and we went to the La Leche League meeting in Amherst. It was a big step for me, and I felt very empowered when it went fairly easily. My big project right now is figuring out how to sleep. Orrin is sleeping in bed with us, in the crook of my arm, and when he’s sleeping, I sleep quite well. I love to sniff & kiss his warm little head while he’s sleeping. However, the little tyke wants to nurse about every 2-3 hours at night, and hourly from 5am-8 or 9am. I haven’t had more than 3 hours of sleep in a stretch in over a month! Until he can hold his head up on his own, I have to get out of bed and nurse him in the rocking chair. I am really looking forward to being able to nurse lying down in bed! A few nights ago, I learned that I can pop Orrin into the Moby wrap after nighttime nursings and he will go back to sleep pretty quickly. This is a big step, as before I learned this I was up for an hour or two each time he woke up in the night.

Orrin's Birth Story

This story has been up on our website for a month or two now, but I don't think anyone's seen it yet, so here it is!

Orrin Jack’s Birth
Orrin Jack Sadoway Anderson was born at home in Turners Falls, Massachusetts on November 17th, 2007 at 4:42pm EST. He was 7 lbs., 6 oz., and 19 1/2 inches long. He surprised everyone by arriving more than three weeks before his estimated due date, but he was healthy and happy and ready to be with us. Here is the story of his birth:

Thursday, November 15th, 2007 - week 36 1/2 of pregnancy
Solon and I attended our childbirth education class in Northampton. I had a premonition that night and asked the instructor how many babies have arrived before their parents finished the classes. Only three babies in twenty-five years teaching! I felt ready, though, and so did Orrin, because two days later, we called to report that we would not be able to make the last class, because Orrin had arrived to make number four!

Friday, November 16th
I was scheduled to work, but I started having some contractions while eating breakfast. While fairly mild, they felt different than the Braxton-Hicks contractions I’d been having for several months. I called into work, reporting that I was going to “stay home, lie on the couch, and try not to have a baby today.”

Soon after that, I started feeling sick, and called my midwife, Gillian, to ask her advice about my symptoms. Based on the information I gave her, she guessed that I had caught the stomach bug that had been going around, and advised me to take it easy, stay hydrated, and call her if anything changed.

I continued feeling worse and worse as the day went on. Solon cancelled his plans for the day to stay home and take care of me. Despite the fact that I was having regular contractions, neither one of us suspected that I was truly in labor. We just assumed that the “stomach bug” and dehydration were causing the contractions, and I was trying to put the brakes on, because I didn’t want to have a baby who wasn’t ready to be had!

Well, eventually Solon got worried enough to call Gillian back again. Looking back, I realize that at that point I was already in the altered mental state of labor-brain and couldn’t talk on the phone. Gillian agreed to come up and check on me later in the afternoon.

When Gillian came, around 4 PM, she informed us that I was, in fact, in labor, and about 3-4 centimeters dilated, and assured us that it was safe for the baby to be born (and born at home) this early. I was pretty surprised that I was already having the baby, but glad to finally know what was going on and relieved to be able to let go and let the labor happen!

Once the fact that I was in labor was confirmed, there was a flurry of activity, preparations, and phone calls amongst the non-laboring helpers. Jenn, the assisting midwife arrived, followed by my sister, Taury, and my mother. The stomach bug symptoms subsided not long after the midwives arrived, and what followed was a long night of labor. I labored on the couch, I labored in the birthing tub (A.K.A. agricultural trough), I labored on the twin bed we’d set up in the addition next to the woodstove. Midwives, sister, mother, and hubby all took shifts holding my hand and occasionally walking me to the bathroom while the others slept. I was so deep in my work that I hardly noticed or cared who was with me. Things progressed at a nice pace for several hours, and it seemed as though the baby would be born that night.

Saturday, November 17th
Because all of the lovely gastrointestinal symptoms earlier in the labor, not eating all day, and not sleeping very well the night before the labor started, I was exhausted. Totally zonked. So, sometime in the wee hours of Saturday morning, my labor stalled out. I was stuck at 7-8 centimeters. I told the midwives that I felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere and that I was getting discouraged, and they advised me to try to ignore the contractions -- not to give them any more attention than I had to, and to rest as much as I could. I tried this and started actually falling asleep between contractions. Solon and Jenn conked out on the couch and I slept a few minutes at a time on the twin, and this way we all rode it out until the sun came up.

In the light of day, my helpers must have reassessed, because everyone went back to their respective homes. They felt that I would rest better without everyone around, and that it might be helpful for Solon and I to be alone together for a while. The midwives left Solon with a concoction of herbs for me to drink to ease the labor and help me sleep (apparently, if I’d been in a hospital, this is the point where they would have given me morphine). Solon was to administer the herbs to me every hour.

I tried to sleep, but, despite my utter exhaustion, it just wasn’t happening. Solon and I gave up on sleep and decided to watch TV instead. Apparently, that was the magic charm, because the TV put me right out. Solon paused the Tivo each time I woke up for a contraction and announced “starting…” and he waited to start the show again until I panted “okay…” and fell back asleep.

We went on like that for several hours until Gillian called and told Solon to stop giving me the herbs. About fifteen minutes after I skipped the first dose of herbs, my water broke during a contraction. Whatever was holding me back must have flowed out with that water, because I got a big burst of energy. Moving faster than I had in about twenty-four hours, I rolled off the couch onto the floor and instructed Solon to “save the couch, then call Gillian!”

Immediately the contractions became strong, close together and came with a strong compulsion to push. Solon was on the phone with Gillian and I shouted to him, “Tell her I’m pushing!”

Jenn the midwife lives close by, so she made it to us first. I really felt like I was cruising along toward having the baby, and I wasn’t waiting for anyone. Jenn checked me and was concerned that the baby was presenting posterior (face up), and had me do a rotation of different positions, holding each position for two contractions, in order to turn the baby over. Holding those positions royally sucked!!! I trusted Jenn (still do) and was willing to do anything she said, but I was so mad at how much those positions sucked, and I was pushing like I was pissed off!

By the time I finished that rotation, Gillian had arrived and the midwives told me that I could get in to whatever position I wanted (thank God!). I got into the tub-trough and really started pushing. It wasn’t long before the baby was crowning. Everyone was saying nice things to me about how well I was doing and how I could take it as slow as I wanted and open like a blossoming flower, and all I was thinking was, “That’s cute. Thanks but no thanks -- I’m doing this as fast as possible.” I remember being kind of astounded at the unearthly noises that were coming out of my own mouth. A big pushy contraction came and just when I thought that contraction was over, I got one more push out of it, and out came the head! (I should note here that the idea that that head belonged to a baby was mostly theoretical at this point in my mind. Mostly I was happy because I knew that the hardest part of the labor was over!)

It seemed like forever before the next contraction came, and it was a very strange moment, with that little head out and moving around, but no body yet. We didn’t even know the gender of the little person who was under the water, peeking out into this world! I had time to reach down and put my hand on that soft, warm little head, covered with velvety hair. I remember saying softly, “Oh, wow.” Finally the next contraction came and the baby slithered out into the water and was scooped up in Solon’s arms. I barely had time to catch my breath before Solon was handing me a baby, saying, “I think it’s a boy, babe!” “A boy??” I said, in wonderment. (For the record, I would have been just as awe-struck had it been a girl, or a breadbox for that matter.) Solon laid him on my chest and we met each other there in the tub, in our own house, with the woodstove warming us all. I kissed his vernixy little head over and over and talked to him face-to-face for the first time. It was really sweet.

The midwives left Solon, baby, and I alone for a little while to greet each other, until I asked to get out of the tub. Baby and I were still attached by the umbilical cord, so it was kind of awkward to climb out. Solon and I sat on the couch by the woodstove and loved our new little boy for a while. Baby nursed a bit, and then Aunt Taury arrived, sorry to have missed the moment, but glad to meet her nephew! Once the cord had stopped pulsing and baby had gotten all of his rich blood and nutrients into him, Solon cut the cord with Jenn’s help.

I gave the baby to Solon and went to deliver the placenta, which came easily. Then I got to take a shower. Wow, did that feel good! It felt incredible to be back in my body and back in my head after 33 hours of being a labor machine -- not myself, but literally an instrument of labor.

Later, on the couch in the living room, Solon and I picked his name: Orrin Jack Sadoway Anderson. About a week earlier, the name Oren had come to me as I woke up in the morning (I think Orrin told me). On the night of Orrin’s birth, Solon suggested the name with this spelling, which means “river.” Upon meeting him, we decided that it fit. We had a lovely, warm and glowing evening and went to bed early. I didn’t sleep at all that night, but kept Orrin, naked except for a diaper, skin-to-skin on my chest and gazed at him all night. He is the sweetest, most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

Concentration!

Orrin has been intent upon figuring out how to use his hands. He hasn't started grabbing stuff yet, but we can hear the gears in his head grinding as he concentrates on the objects of his desire. It's so much fun to watch!

First Post

Hi. This is my first post.